Morning Retort: April 1, 2005

Sharon pursues disengagement plan; Ozzy criticizes "withdrawal under fire". In a dramatic new development, the Osbornes were forced to retreat from their country mansion after a blaze broke out in the living room. Despite opposition from the hardline guitarist, Sharon is reported to have insisted on an early withdrawal strategy, saying, "We've got to get out of here. I don't need no bloody roadmap to tell me that." Ozzy declined to comment on the record, but was reported to have said, "****!"

Pregnancy reports "dead wrong", Britney says. In a news conference marking the release of long-awaited information regarding her rumored pregnancy, Britney Spears has characterized early reports as "dead wrong." Ms. Spears criticized the analysis of recent photographic intelligence, saying the information was "deliberately distorted" by certain parties within the celebrity tabloid community. "This deliberately false and misleading information has done immeasurable harm to the tabloids' credibility," she said, adding, "it's just totally, like, really bad."